DunDuunDuuuuunnnn!

As you know I put God to the test. I challenged Him, I cursed Him, I threatened Him, I denied Him. And I was at peace with that. I felt better about believing Christianity was fake and everyone who followed it was just eating a lie. If you asked me two days ago, if I believed, I would have told you

Ha, no!

And during lecture the yesterday, the speaker Fiona, asks all of us to find reasons that proved our personal faith and share with our neighbor. I stayed honest, I told my neighbor that I didn't believe one word of the Bible and the God of the Christians was not real.

I think it was last week I started challenging God. And yesterday, God replied.
First with Ryan; Ryan said I was being driven in my anger and frustration and was not actually being open to answers. He was saying I was already hoping Christianity would fail and God to be fake.
He was right I didn't want Christianity to be real. I wanted to point fingers at God and blame Him for my anger. I just wanted to be anger at something. I wanted to be radical. I wanted to prove to everyone that they are living a lie and be the one to expose one of the largest movements of religion to be fake.
Then with Raquel.
We have not really had any deep conversations before just hi, how are you type stuff. So at lunch yesterday, I found a table that was completely empty and sat down. It usually works that other students will come sit down if one students is already there. But not this day, I sat there for nearly the entire time by my self as if I was invisible. I get this feeling a lot so it wasn't a big deal. Then Raquel shows up and even though she has a terrible cough and doesn't feel to good, still has the energy to talk. Being me I asked very surface questions and kinda avoided being honest. And out of nowhere Raquel says

I read your blog. You sound frustrated.

Yeah I told her I was bored and didn't have anything to do. And I was yelling at god to give me a purpose. Raquel told me straight up, if your bored help those around you. Literally she was saying if your are so perfect, then help everyone else to be as perfect as you.
And she was right on. That was lunch and that day I had a talk with Fiona, our speaker, and I had a lot of questions for her.
When I got there she was waiting for me and we began talking. She just wanted to hear my story and how I got to Herrnhut. I gave a short summary of my life and faith and she sat there emotionless. Which she taught was the best way to listen so you aren't leaking emotion by face expressions. She was surprise by my views and thoughts on God but she didn't say I was wrong or right. She told me there was a wall in my heart and I was living my faith in my mind. She made sense and challenged me to think on what might be blocking my heart.
It was work duty after that so I had time to think as I washed the kitchen floors and I still didn't know what was blocking me from truly believing.
I usually finish my work duty quickly and head up into the art studio. It seems like if I had a spare minute I go up there. That day I was working on a self portrait. It was drawn in charcoal so it was a quick project and I was just touching up on highlights and shadows. No one was in the studio when I got there so I was happy. Then Stephen came in early to art track time. I was actually kind a glad cause I could ask him about my portrait. Then Stephen did something I've never seen him do. He asked me how I was doing. Not saying that that is something he wouldn't do, I just never thought he would.
It felt like I was talking with my sister when I was talking with Stephen. I couldn't be like 'somethingsomething, you know what I mean?'
I had to explain my entire thought. Ugh. We really only talked for like 30 minutes and only a few issues were discussed but with Stephan, a very straight forward person, that is normal. Man was I punched in the gut. He said I needed to take myself out of the situation. I thought I was being very objective and not putting and biased views in my argument. Nope. I was so angry and wanting Christianity to be fake I was obviously being biased.

Well yeah so my mind was spinning like a top. And the best part was we had small group that night. Meaning, I would be asked how I was doing and an honest answer would be expected. So I was kinda not looking forward to going but I did. We talked about normal stuff when we first got there and then it happened the inevitable was asked,
"How are you doing"
And man did I let it rip, if they want to know I'll tell them. I have been told it's better to be honest then to tell half a truth. I am trying to stick to being honest and real, so I began voicing my opinions about the Bible, God, Faith, Prayer, and the validity of the Christian faith. We ended up covering a lot of the topics but man did it get heated.

The walk home after small group I walked ahead and began running through all the things I was told and began to process. (This gets kinda tricky to follow but it the way I think)

I started with the only truth I knew.
I am Created.
My Creature created me to love me.
(God was bored so He made me so He had someone to love. I should love my creator because He created me. And the fact that He loves me, I should love Him for that too.)

Ok so all I need to do is love my Creator. Easy.

The second truth is I have sinned and my Creator hates sin.
(We were tight with our Creator till we sinned, then we messed it all up. (And the idea that I am cursed by Adam's sin is hard to believe.) We all sin, it's not inherited. Since I sinned, I am no longer in good terms with my Creator. So if our Creator really loves us and would do anything to be with us again then the only thing He could do would be to send a sacrifice. In the Bible, it says He sent His son Jesus. (But at the time I didn't believe the Bible was truth. I figured it to be a really good book with interesting and good moral value based stories.) So either way, our Creator sent a Sacrifice. And it's really kinda a no brainer to accept that there was a Sacrifice for the sins I have committed. It just proves the love of the Creator.

At this point, all of this was beginning to make rational sense. I was ok with that. So I went back to the beginning,

"Love Your Creator"

How do I love my Creator?

I think I asked myself that question a hundred times. Hmm, I had to resort back to the Bible. (the story book) In it said love your neighbor as you would love your self. And in this way you are loving the ones the Creator created. Pretty much loving Him through other people.
I couldn't think of any other way to love the Creator. So I continued with that point.

"How do I love my neighbor?"

Well it says 'love then as your self'. Now "How do I love myself?". Thinking about this, showed me how vain and proud I was. Thats besides the point, I figured I loved myself the most when I was just comfortable. And when I had enough to eat and some sweets every once in a while. I also enjoy it when I am being paid attention.
So if was to do these things is sound a lot like being a humble person. Being humble is always a good thing, it shows character. So this 'loving the Creator thing' kinda kills two birds with one stone.

Not bad huh? It's sounds so simple but our minds complicate the crap out of it and we lose the basics. I know God reveled this to me this way because I need basic rational answers and explanations. He knows me and speaks on my level!
But I must say loving other people is so hard, just the whole forgetting yourself and the thing you were on your way to do to help this person concept is so annoying sometimes. But I love my Creator!