Someone Died

It all happened Thursday night.

Like I said before, tuesday was really a crazy day.

On Wednesday, I felt a bit more joyful because of the revelation I got the night before. ( read DunnDunnDunnnn) however just to sum it up, I realized God created me to love me. Pretty awesome right. Except something wasn't right, I knew the truth but It hadn't become real. I heard it with my ears but not with my heart. At the time I did not now this, I just figured I needed to remind myself constantly.
Thursday was a bit of a blur, lots of laughs and bread and cheese for dinner. Fiona told us to be ready for a impacting lecture thursday night. We had been having night classes because Fiona was leaving Friday morning.
I was full of energy Thursday night ready to just relax and maybe make some art. When I got to the dining hall I saw a few things that got me a bit nervous. There was a giant wooden cross is the middle of the floor, a bunch of buckets of water with soap and towels. Instantly I thought we were having a foot washing. I wanted to leave immediately. Because whenever I had done a foot washing it made me feel so bad because of how humble Jesus was and there was never any closer on what we should do next other then feel guilty. But that is another story.

I just was really happy a did not want to feel sad or think about the crap and sin in my life that I needed forgiveness from. I felt forgiven and I was for once not angry at being alive.
Anyways, Fiona went on explaining what was happening during tonights lecture. It was about how we should confess sin verbally to one another. Like some we trusted and then have them wash our hands. Now that I think back, it was a good exercise. We would rub ash and charchol on our hands signifying our sin, and when it was washed in the water, it would be a visual reminder that those sins were forgiven. We actually put on blind folds first and came before God in our own way not being able to see each other would encourage a more real expression. If you get what I mean, like you could sit in your head if that's the way you felt you needed to come before God and no one would see. I don't think anyone did.

So I sat with my blind fold and started a quick prayer
"ey God, what's good, how you doin',

And then was like so what am I supposed to be praying for, I dint feel like I have any sin that I am still unforgiven from.

I am going to stop you before you judge me and say I am so proud and that I think I am perfect. Because if you did that would be utterly wrong and quite judgmental.

I had pushed down and hidden so much emotion and hurt that I had truly blinded myself. I had built this giant wall in my heart that blotted out every emotion, good and bad. I was living and feeling from my mind. If the moment said it is time to be sad my mind would make me sad, if it was time to laugh I would laugh. All of it was very fake and only a surface emotion, I never showed what I truly felt, deep in my heart. It's hard to live this way, you confuse yourself sometimes because in some situations you don't know what to feel and your mind tells you the wrong emotion and it snowballs from there. Wrong emotion, wrong action, wrong reaction, people get hurt, image is ruined, and so on.

Wow this is really becoming difficult to share. Idk if I really want this out there. This is very Very personal). Please know you should take this with care because you will hold a key thread and if you said this to someone in the wrong way, even with sincere intention, it could really hurt me. I am trying to move past all this and if I come home and it is brought to my face again, it could undo a lot of work and time. Please do what you will with this information, I can not tell what to do but I am blindly trusting you with this. ! It is a graphic story and do not be offended by the way I tell it.

The longer I sat there and prayed, I began to feel like something was not right. I did not feel God's love or joy or peace or just any of what He promised in the Bible. Note that I am still trying to stay positive in the moment. Instead of getting pissed I began to think, what is it I have to do? I don't feel guilty or like I am too proud. I didn't really know how I could be more humble or help out my neighbor in that exact moment. I did NOT know what to do! And man did I give up in that moment, I began to get pissed, I began to burn inside. Something inside of me urged me to smack my forehead on the floor and claw the back of my scalp. I was like this for several minutes. I began to shout, I would speak something normal then it would end in a roar. Even though this was supposed to be a healing time, the fact that I was yelling didn't bother me. Something inside me, almost made me want to be scary to the people around me. Then my brother, Luke, came over and began praying. This is when it begins to scare me, I lost control of my body. I had my mind and my thoughts but my arms and legs were not mine. I could do nothing to control myself. The more Luke prayed the worst it got. As he began I saw this image, it was quite clear. I didn't know what is was, but it had definite lines and form. Yet, I knew it was my life, my path, and God. And without any warning, a darkness came. Darkness from the pit of $&@$ing HELL. In my mind, I saw the definite become clouded and lost in the black $hit. (I curse because Hell should be cursed. Apart of Hell was inside me). I was slipping, there was nothing I could do. I dug my fingers into my head, pounded harder on the floor; all my muscle began to flex and I could not breath. As Luke prayed he asked me to speak and I could not open my mouth, a Spirit, a f$@king demon, had a hold of me and clenched my mouth shut. All I could do is whine through my teeth. Luke became more authoritative with his prayer and began calling out the demonS inside me. He had me sit up and I put my hands on my thighs, my eyes opened for a second and sweat burned them as I blinked. The light in the room was even worst, instantly I shoved my palms into the sockets of my eyes and nearly punched myself with the quick motion. I rub my face as if I had some disease, it began to feel like an rug burn all over my face, and yet this pain did not bother me. It almost comforted me. And still Luke prayed.
At this moment, Fiona came over a spoke to Luke. Which meant he stopped praying, it was over, the Demon won. It was like a game of tug-a-war, and I just realized HELL had me in it's grasp; when Luke prayed, I felt like there was now tension on the other side of the rope. And then the tension was gone. I knew I had to fight this to the bitter end, that piece of Shit Satan had reveled himself to me, I had become aware to how clever he was and if I did not run his ass out of my body, it would be the end! I felt for forsaken in that moment. I felt normal in that moment. I was kneeling there limp like a warrior who just received the fatal blow, and gash to the stomach, a blow that wouldn't kill him instantly but left him there suffering and aware of his impending death, with knowing there was no hope, nothing he could do to save himself. I knelt there, hopeless and abandon. I understand now what leads people to killing themselves, when they reach this point where hope is shone in the face and then violently ripped from them. When they become aware of how shitty of a life they live and that what they thought was true happiness was actually misery and anger just being disguised. I understand but I think if they are not willing to do anything to change that then they do not deserve their life. The luxuries and opportunities, we have and do not see or do are so great, that it's your fault and laziness that is keeping you back.

I was not ready to give up, my body was back in my control, just barely though. Luke told me to stand up and walk outside the dining hall into the front hallway. As I stood, my feet were limp, my legs sagged, my eyes were still fuzzy and my face still burned.
Outside in the hallway, the light was much sharper then before and again it pierced my eyes like needles and splinters. I had to cry out it hurt. The darkness was so much more comfortable and welcoming. It was easy and quick to satisfy. (What a lie from the Devil!) Cory joined Luke in prayer and they did not hesitate, oh it was like hot oil oozing down my back, melting the flesh from my bones. The black$hit of Hell was back, but it was even worst. Before I could see a faint image, now it was beyond me. Nothing was in my mind, no thoughts, no opinions, no feelings. Nothing. But when Luke said I needed to rebuke the demons with my own mouth, I had more strength then before, I was only screams and yelling but it was a fight. I echoed in the hall, it was WAR! Again and again Luke and Cory said to rebuke different Demons and Spirits; ones of Worthlessness, of Abandonment, of Fatherlessness, of Fear, and of Doubt.

Again know this is extremely hard to write this. I feel reliving this event gives more strength to this Demons. I really feel this is only to be read not shared actually. I will probably become violent if come and share this with me out of leisure or curiosity. I am dead serious. Don't.

I was terrified at the fact I had so many different demons inside me and clinging to me. Cory told me to speak out the truths I knew, which was only one

"God created me, to love me"

I opened my eyes and stared the demons in the face and screamed with all that I had, "GOD CREATED ME!". Luke told me to receive God's love and peace, be had me reach to where I thought God was. I stretched to the ceiling, hands open and like a massive splash of water I was drenched in God's perfect LOVE. I felt like a shell had fallen off and I was new. I felt soft and pink like a snake when is sheds or like a baby. I did not remember what the old me was like, I just knew this was immensely better. I laughed and cheered, it was true joy! However the moment I let my arms down near the floor, these things were grabbing at me trying to take over again. The Demons and Spirits, were reaching from Hell, hoping I would let them attach so they could grow back and cover me with the shell I had just broken off. I did not realize physical actions effect the spiritual realm. I did not realize the spiritual realm could be physical.

Luke and Cory finished their prayers and as Cory was talking with me, Luke had gotten some water for the three of us. He said I was to be baptized from the inside out. I need to wash away all the crap inside me and be free of the dirt and grime of The Devil. So we drank the water, and I felt every droplet wash down my throat and fill my chest. I was new!

We stepped back into the dining hall and everyone was blessing Fiona and thanking her for speaking and the impact she had. And of course, I think Fiona asked if there was anything anyone wanted to share, was this a 'leading' question to me? I don't know but Luke stepped up and said,

"I would like to introduce you to a new person, David Tiehen!"

I don't think I had been so proud to be introduced, because Cory had said while Luke was getting water, I was now the man God created me to be. My name was not a coincident, God made me to David (both me and like king david). I didn't have anything to say just that is was finally me, David.

Man was I so happy to introduce my self as the person I really am. I didn't feel fake at all.

This is the events of that Thursday, how I saw it happen. And I am not saying I am perfectly healed, far from it, I just am now completely ready and prepared to be shaped by the Hand of God.