The Angel Of the Lord

And I saw the seven angels which stood before God, and to them were given seven trumpets. And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. And I beheld, and heard an angel flying throughout the midst of heaven saying," Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the others voices of the trumpet of the other angels, which have yet to sound."
-Revelation 8:6-13

Just another ordinary day

Being from Montana, I have spent most of my life in the woods. Not like a mountain man but just hiking biking and camping. I have. Spent days getting lost in the trees out my backyard. I would play war with my brother and we would chase each other, well I would run and He would tackle me. Scrapes and bruises were common after an afternoon in the woods. Now I am older and my brother has moved out of town so those days are just fun memories. However I still get this urge to go run through the trees. Summer and fall are great seasons to go play in the forest, spring is a bit wet and winter I am usually snowboarding in the mountains. Being in Germany I can't snowboard and summer doesn't come for a while, so what am I to do? Crazy thing happened summer came early, well the end of spring at least.
It was such a nice day. I didn't have too much to do, not very many people around and sunny was on it's way down but the weather was just below comfortable. The wind would nip at you fingers but a lite jacket would warm you up. Man it was good. I was walking from town to the castle and I took the path through the woods, I looked into the trees and I started to think about running around in there. I saw logs laying on the hillsides and stumps cut everywhere. Oh it was perfect for running through.
I went back to my room and grabbed my jacket and hat, tied my shoes extra tight and ran off into the woods. At first my music was blasting into my ears, I was spinning and jumping off small cliffs and running down hills. I grabbed a stick and pretended to be Lord of the Rings, fighting invisible people and you may laugh but that takes a lot of energy to kill invisible people.
I had to laugh, I was being such a boy in the woods, and Jesus was right there laughing with me. I needed to talk to him about a few things but I really didn't want to think about though. Jesus didn't force me to talk about it either, yet I want to chat it up with Him so I just said hi and He smiled. I continued to run and jump and stab at the air, as time went on and more invisible people were jabbed and sliced by my stick, I found my self sitting on a bench watching the sun set. I started to speak out loud to God and ask Him for guidance. He listened but instead of answering me, He told me I needed to know that I had a purpose in life and on my trip to Africa. I said yeah I know I have purpose. But that didn't mean anything, God told me I had to own that statement. I stood up and said I Have A Purpose. I continued to say this and I felt the Holy Spirit ask, why do have a purpose, what is your purpose, who are you?
I began to get excited and the fire of God began to burn within me. I so wanted crowds to be standing before me to here what I had to say. Even though there wasn't anyone there, I began to speak to the trees and rocks. The more I spoke the more energy flowed from me. I began to speak out every truth I knew about who I am and who God is and what God did. I was so happy to talk about it. So what if all who heard me were trees. They are apart of Gods Creation and they should be reminded of the Good News of their Creator. I talked about Gods sacrifice and His Gift of love. I probably spoke for a good hour, I focused in on this rotting stump down the path. I gave him a piece of my mind. I kinda feel bad for him, maybe he was saved and I just misjudged him. Oops. I felt like I still had so much more to say but I felt the need to declare the presence of the God of the Universe. I just began to say the Names of God, and give Him all my praise. I was nearly screaming out these praises because all the world needed to hear who the God I serve actually is. I felt like I was announcing God to the trees and inviting Him to come. I could see my self standing on a balcony leaning over the edge shouting to the people who would listen that God was about to come out and show Himself. As I declared His name and I stated that He was on that hill in the forest were I stood, there was a shift in the spiritual and physical world. I felt something that I've never felt before. Trust me when say it had nothing to do with the physical realm but it surrounded me like a giant robe. I felt the presence of the Lord, rain onto my back. It was awe striking. I instantly crunched up into a ball and clenched my eyes, my mouth was to afraid to open. I did my best to show reverence to my King, but in all reality I did all this out of reflex. The presence I felt was not the full glory of God, it was a tiny tiny taste of what it really is. I am excited for the day when I can experience the fullness of Gods glory and look upon His face.
As I recovered and the moment had passed, I stood up, turned down the path and walked away. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my work was finished in the woods. I had got what God had waiting for me, a new revelation of the power and authority I have through Him. I had never know this before. I knew I had a voice but I never thought what I had to say was worth something. In that moment on that mount, I reclaimed my voice and asserted the power I had in it. Now I know I am BombProof. With this power nothing can touch me, now I know that I have always had victory over darkness. The Power that raised Jesus from the dead, lives within me. I have full access to that power through Jesus Himself. I can cast out demons, I can declare dominion of creation, I can raised to dead back to life, I can heal the sick like Jesus healed, because I have now accepted this inheritance. Now that I know who I am, the enemy can do nothing to stop me. He knows he is screwed. I can be sure he is working like hell in Africa to build up his strongholds before I get there but I come with the Truth that blots out all darkness. The battle is already over and I have won. This is war. This is Africa. This is life.

Happy Birthday

I must say I won't forget this birthday... Ever. Today I had cake and ice-cream for breakfast, I got two Awesome birthday cards, one from the crew back at the castle and the Ukraine team. I think we ate four different cakes and I was sung happy birthday like 18 time and in five different languages. (ukrainian, German, English, Spanish, and Romanian.) I was even lifted on a chair 18 times and was set on a table in the next room while still on the chair.
It was kinda funny, the night before my BD I asked to sleep in five extra minutes and Ryan being Ryan said nah we'll move breakfast back five minutes 7:25. But I ended up sleeping in I'll a quarter to eight. I lead devotion that day and after a glorious shower, we set off to town. We pilled into the van and stopped at the bank to exchange money. Which is the only free wifi hotspot in like 100k. I checked my email expecting some happyBD emails but I remembered it was still march 6 in the states. We wondered down to the bizzar and looked around for a while. If you needed anything you could get it there and for really cheap. Gotta love the exchange rates.
Next we hit up a classic ukrainian dance performance. Talk about a good idea. There was a lot of kids singing and dancing. They did a good job too. There was a girl who did an acapela piece and wow...I fell in love again. Haha. But the best part about the bizzar was where we were standing, there was no sitting room so we stood along the wall. And you must know, Ukrainian people are larger built then most Europeans. The other thing you must know is that the desired fashion in eastern Europe is big fur coats. So imagine for a second, me, a small person, squeezing in-between large ukrainians, and when I find my spot along the wall I nearly becomes another coat of paint on the wall. It was crazy, these people didn't care that there was no room, they just started pressing their way through. One time I got tipped off balance and then squished against a giant of a man and when the person passed by me the pressure that was holding me up was gone and I started to fall into this man. Let's just say it became awkward fast in that corner of the room.

Lunch happened. Food went into my belly. And I was full once again.

Wednesday was a day we went to the internat, the Roma orphanage, and played with the kids there. Man you may think that is the more boring thing to do but I want to do it again next year. We all had so much fun running with the kids there. They wanted to wrestle and moch fight and piggy back rides became a hit instantly. I got asked a question I never think I'll hear again
"Do you have haircutters where you come from?"
I had to laugh out loud. I never thought of it that way, I have long hair by choice not because no one is around to cut it. Haha the kids were amazed and kinda scared of my braces and my ear gauges weirded them out. They never see things like this very often and it is truly foreign to them. I really am refreshed to experience this, it is so interesting to explain what exactly, just the lack of western culture influences is nice to see. It kinda makes me feel original for once in a lifetime. But everything I do has all ready been done before, sigh.

I don't think we left the orphanage till 7:30-8:00 pm. It was dark and most kids had dinner to eat. And at the mention of food everyones stomach turned a growled. So it was almost a race home to get dinner cooking. I think we had some kinda of noodles, but I remember it was soo good and maybe I eat slower or I am more hungry or more bold but I seem to finish the last of everything on the table. Or I just ask for a bit more when everyone else is finished. Any-who, I ate so well, that night and every other night in Ukraine.

Bring on the cakes! And the awkward Birthday song. I think they knew how awkward I felt when they sang it for me, because they wouldn't stop singing it! Haha I blew out my tea candles and started cutting away at the chocolate banana cake as Cory tried to saw through centimeter thick chocolate frosting on the other cake. He tried, I'll give him that but his success rate was so good. Poor cake. After that the night started to settle down, until I was randomly hoisted in my chair around the room. And all the girls plus TJ were holding me up and the longer I was in the air the more I felt the chair lean. This is not good when you are nine feet in the air and full of cake.

My birthday ended with a beat down by Cory and a quick prayer with the guys. And did I sleep good or what!

Thanks Nana and Grammy for you BirthDay cards! I loved to see mail in the 'T' mailbox with my name in it. Mom and Dad thanks for your previous support, it was put to good use during my ventures in Prague.

Love to all those who remembered me on my birthday. And to every else too.

Spiritual Warefare

This week has got to be one of the craziest weeks Not with like what we are doing here but just with all the past challenges I am still trying to keep. This being a Christian thing is so hard, I can't get pissed or curse. And I am to serve my brothers and sisters expecting nothing, I am supposed to give all that I have because it is Gods in the first place. And I am supposed to seek Gods voice in all of the above. Yet sometimes, I still need to use my own judgment. And my mind gets me running back on my choices, second guessing myself. (JESUS!)

It was very interesting how Roger said spiritual warfare was more about our identity with God and just declaring the power He has given us through Hs son. I thought we would be learning all about casting out demons and rebuking the devil, but it was barely covered and even Roger said be cautious before you start rebuking what you think may be a demon. Cause some things we think are bad and of the Devil may just be God allowing things to happen or just the world and it's messed up way operating that is causing this. He gave me a lot to think about. He touched on healing and sickness, which i must say hit a soft spot in me. I have severe sickness in my family and I still don't know the reasons why it's been this way for all this time. All this stuff seems to link back to others issues I have , I feel so overwhelmed with these things and before you say just give it to God and it will be all good. That my friend is the hard part. Even though I've asked God why or what reason He does this, I still have to watch as this loved one is in daily pain. I'm just so sick of talking about all this crap, I am trying not to give into discouragement so I will end this entry.

Dobro!

Mini'

The anticipation if this trip is driving me KrayKray! I am really starting to notice the things that make me super annoyed. I love to plan things like road trips, but when it comes to planning a two week outreach with four leaders and five other students, is proving to be a test and I'm not even involved with the majority. Wait it's more or less listening to people plan and argue about how many time we should stop for bathroom breaks or what kind of snacks to bring. Like I'm trying not to stress but when we are at meeting the topic of conversation changes faster than the wind. And I want to say something but then I'll become the awkward one who doesnt really want to joke or have any fun. What ev we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Here I lay in the main hallway of the castle 1:47am just waiting for 4:00am to come so we can leave. I chose to make breakfast for our team in the morning, I don't know why really but I got a GB message about this and I didn't see anyone had replied so I just said i would, because there would be less confusion. I even have food for the team as a work duty during our trip, I don't know what that entails but I'll find out soon enough. Either way I get to pick what we are eating and we will be eating some yummy food; yet the catch is can I find the food I want in Ukraine. I hear things are super cheap there which is good! Yet God has already been providing our needs! We haven't even left the castle and He is taking care of us.

I have stencils, spray paint, paper, pastels, and a giant drawing board in my pile of things to bring. I hope to fill every piece with art and God's message of love. I really want to do portraits of every one I meet. I know the language barrier will be our biggest struggle but art has no barriers. I want to try my version of Help Portrait, just I'll be drawing portraits instead of taking photos. I am really nervous but I know! God! Loves! Me! He will never let go. His love is with me on this journey. Please pray into that truth for me. Ask with the voice God gave you I don't forget this because the instant I lose this I will fall back into my anger and self pity. I will lose all the progress I have made since I've been here. Thank you for your prayers! God does hear you.

Exodus

What is your eygpt?
-the lie of no self worth

What promised land did you going towards
-being who God made me to be.

Why did the magicians fail?
- they succeeded the first time but then failed. I think Satan has limited power and God let Satan deceive the people the first couple times, but to better show his glory, He made them, the magicians fail.

TEAM U-Kray Kray!

Mission: Infiltrate the boarders of Ukraine

Purpose: Spread Gods Love

Location: After school child care center and select
Gypsy orphanages.

Departure: 0400 Saturday 03/03/2012

Extraction: 0400 Saturday 03/17/2012

Squad Leaders: Ryan, Nicole,
Cory, and Lousie

Squad Members: TJ, Pia, Chloe, Theresa, and David

Transportation: 9 Passenger VW Van

Travel Time: 18-20 Hours

Translator(s): 1

Meals Provided: 1

Number of luggage (per person): 1

Excitement Status: Pending...

Someone Died

It all happened Thursday night.

Like I said before, tuesday was really a crazy day.

On Wednesday, I felt a bit more joyful because of the revelation I got the night before. ( read DunnDunnDunnnn) however just to sum it up, I realized God created me to love me. Pretty awesome right. Except something wasn't right, I knew the truth but It hadn't become real. I heard it with my ears but not with my heart. At the time I did not now this, I just figured I needed to remind myself constantly.
Thursday was a bit of a blur, lots of laughs and bread and cheese for dinner. Fiona told us to be ready for a impacting lecture thursday night. We had been having night classes because Fiona was leaving Friday morning.
I was full of energy Thursday night ready to just relax and maybe make some art. When I got to the dining hall I saw a few things that got me a bit nervous. There was a giant wooden cross is the middle of the floor, a bunch of buckets of water with soap and towels. Instantly I thought we were having a foot washing. I wanted to leave immediately. Because whenever I had done a foot washing it made me feel so bad because of how humble Jesus was and there was never any closer on what we should do next other then feel guilty. But that is another story.

I just was really happy a did not want to feel sad or think about the crap and sin in my life that I needed forgiveness from. I felt forgiven and I was for once not angry at being alive.
Anyways, Fiona went on explaining what was happening during tonights lecture. It was about how we should confess sin verbally to one another. Like some we trusted and then have them wash our hands. Now that I think back, it was a good exercise. We would rub ash and charchol on our hands signifying our sin, and when it was washed in the water, it would be a visual reminder that those sins were forgiven. We actually put on blind folds first and came before God in our own way not being able to see each other would encourage a more real expression. If you get what I mean, like you could sit in your head if that's the way you felt you needed to come before God and no one would see. I don't think anyone did.

So I sat with my blind fold and started a quick prayer
"ey God, what's good, how you doin',

And then was like so what am I supposed to be praying for, I dint feel like I have any sin that I am still unforgiven from.

I am going to stop you before you judge me and say I am so proud and that I think I am perfect. Because if you did that would be utterly wrong and quite judgmental.

I had pushed down and hidden so much emotion and hurt that I had truly blinded myself. I had built this giant wall in my heart that blotted out every emotion, good and bad. I was living and feeling from my mind. If the moment said it is time to be sad my mind would make me sad, if it was time to laugh I would laugh. All of it was very fake and only a surface emotion, I never showed what I truly felt, deep in my heart. It's hard to live this way, you confuse yourself sometimes because in some situations you don't know what to feel and your mind tells you the wrong emotion and it snowballs from there. Wrong emotion, wrong action, wrong reaction, people get hurt, image is ruined, and so on.

Wow this is really becoming difficult to share. Idk if I really want this out there. This is very Very personal). Please know you should take this with care because you will hold a key thread and if you said this to someone in the wrong way, even with sincere intention, it could really hurt me. I am trying to move past all this and if I come home and it is brought to my face again, it could undo a lot of work and time. Please do what you will with this information, I can not tell what to do but I am blindly trusting you with this. ! It is a graphic story and do not be offended by the way I tell it.

The longer I sat there and prayed, I began to feel like something was not right. I did not feel God's love or joy or peace or just any of what He promised in the Bible. Note that I am still trying to stay positive in the moment. Instead of getting pissed I began to think, what is it I have to do? I don't feel guilty or like I am too proud. I didn't really know how I could be more humble or help out my neighbor in that exact moment. I did NOT know what to do! And man did I give up in that moment, I began to get pissed, I began to burn inside. Something inside of me urged me to smack my forehead on the floor and claw the back of my scalp. I was like this for several minutes. I began to shout, I would speak something normal then it would end in a roar. Even though this was supposed to be a healing time, the fact that I was yelling didn't bother me. Something inside me, almost made me want to be scary to the people around me. Then my brother, Luke, came over and began praying. This is when it begins to scare me, I lost control of my body. I had my mind and my thoughts but my arms and legs were not mine. I could do nothing to control myself. The more Luke prayed the worst it got. As he began I saw this image, it was quite clear. I didn't know what is was, but it had definite lines and form. Yet, I knew it was my life, my path, and God. And without any warning, a darkness came. Darkness from the pit of $&@$ing HELL. In my mind, I saw the definite become clouded and lost in the black $hit. (I curse because Hell should be cursed. Apart of Hell was inside me). I was slipping, there was nothing I could do. I dug my fingers into my head, pounded harder on the floor; all my muscle began to flex and I could not breath. As Luke prayed he asked me to speak and I could not open my mouth, a Spirit, a f$@king demon, had a hold of me and clenched my mouth shut. All I could do is whine through my teeth. Luke became more authoritative with his prayer and began calling out the demonS inside me. He had me sit up and I put my hands on my thighs, my eyes opened for a second and sweat burned them as I blinked. The light in the room was even worst, instantly I shoved my palms into the sockets of my eyes and nearly punched myself with the quick motion. I rub my face as if I had some disease, it began to feel like an rug burn all over my face, and yet this pain did not bother me. It almost comforted me. And still Luke prayed.
At this moment, Fiona came over a spoke to Luke. Which meant he stopped praying, it was over, the Demon won. It was like a game of tug-a-war, and I just realized HELL had me in it's grasp; when Luke prayed, I felt like there was now tension on the other side of the rope. And then the tension was gone. I knew I had to fight this to the bitter end, that piece of Shit Satan had reveled himself to me, I had become aware to how clever he was and if I did not run his ass out of my body, it would be the end! I felt for forsaken in that moment. I felt normal in that moment. I was kneeling there limp like a warrior who just received the fatal blow, and gash to the stomach, a blow that wouldn't kill him instantly but left him there suffering and aware of his impending death, with knowing there was no hope, nothing he could do to save himself. I knelt there, hopeless and abandon. I understand now what leads people to killing themselves, when they reach this point where hope is shone in the face and then violently ripped from them. When they become aware of how shitty of a life they live and that what they thought was true happiness was actually misery and anger just being disguised. I understand but I think if they are not willing to do anything to change that then they do not deserve their life. The luxuries and opportunities, we have and do not see or do are so great, that it's your fault and laziness that is keeping you back.

I was not ready to give up, my body was back in my control, just barely though. Luke told me to stand up and walk outside the dining hall into the front hallway. As I stood, my feet were limp, my legs sagged, my eyes were still fuzzy and my face still burned.
Outside in the hallway, the light was much sharper then before and again it pierced my eyes like needles and splinters. I had to cry out it hurt. The darkness was so much more comfortable and welcoming. It was easy and quick to satisfy. (What a lie from the Devil!) Cory joined Luke in prayer and they did not hesitate, oh it was like hot oil oozing down my back, melting the flesh from my bones. The black$hit of Hell was back, but it was even worst. Before I could see a faint image, now it was beyond me. Nothing was in my mind, no thoughts, no opinions, no feelings. Nothing. But when Luke said I needed to rebuke the demons with my own mouth, I had more strength then before, I was only screams and yelling but it was a fight. I echoed in the hall, it was WAR! Again and again Luke and Cory said to rebuke different Demons and Spirits; ones of Worthlessness, of Abandonment, of Fatherlessness, of Fear, and of Doubt.

Again know this is extremely hard to write this. I feel reliving this event gives more strength to this Demons. I really feel this is only to be read not shared actually. I will probably become violent if come and share this with me out of leisure or curiosity. I am dead serious. Don't.

I was terrified at the fact I had so many different demons inside me and clinging to me. Cory told me to speak out the truths I knew, which was only one

"God created me, to love me"

I opened my eyes and stared the demons in the face and screamed with all that I had, "GOD CREATED ME!". Luke told me to receive God's love and peace, be had me reach to where I thought God was. I stretched to the ceiling, hands open and like a massive splash of water I was drenched in God's perfect LOVE. I felt like a shell had fallen off and I was new. I felt soft and pink like a snake when is sheds or like a baby. I did not remember what the old me was like, I just knew this was immensely better. I laughed and cheered, it was true joy! However the moment I let my arms down near the floor, these things were grabbing at me trying to take over again. The Demons and Spirits, were reaching from Hell, hoping I would let them attach so they could grow back and cover me with the shell I had just broken off. I did not realize physical actions effect the spiritual realm. I did not realize the spiritual realm could be physical.

Luke and Cory finished their prayers and as Cory was talking with me, Luke had gotten some water for the three of us. He said I was to be baptized from the inside out. I need to wash away all the crap inside me and be free of the dirt and grime of The Devil. So we drank the water, and I felt every droplet wash down my throat and fill my chest. I was new!

We stepped back into the dining hall and everyone was blessing Fiona and thanking her for speaking and the impact she had. And of course, I think Fiona asked if there was anything anyone wanted to share, was this a 'leading' question to me? I don't know but Luke stepped up and said,

"I would like to introduce you to a new person, David Tiehen!"

I don't think I had been so proud to be introduced, because Cory had said while Luke was getting water, I was now the man God created me to be. My name was not a coincident, God made me to David (both me and like king david). I didn't have anything to say just that is was finally me, David.

Man was I so happy to introduce my self as the person I really am. I didn't feel fake at all.

This is the events of that Thursday, how I saw it happen. And I am not saying I am perfectly healed, far from it, I just am now completely ready and prepared to be shaped by the Hand of God.

GIANT KEG?

well…

thats pretty much all i have to say for now. nah but really its 10:35 wednesday night and i finally have time to breath. my life has been quite chaotic [spell check?} just straight chaos. i have been hearing Gods voice a lot lately and it is soo awesome and i even feel i have words and impressions for others! i am really becoming what God made me to be. 

Today in worship I was really convicted in not having enough trust in God, i gave Him my life but i still won't let Him control my provisions. I say every time I eat is "God provides", but i won't let Him in 100%. ugh, so i kinda went through my lists of truths and figured i needed more of God's Love. And God gave me an image of this Giant Keg in side me. Not the silver kind of keg but the big wooden ones that are used for ale and wine. I remember being at the Garden, back home, when they were about to tap the Keg. This guy busted out a gnarly wooden mallet, he grabbed the tap and after a few small smacks, he leaned back and popped a solid hit on the tap and the air was filled with cheers. Its pretty obvious what happened next, a flow of liquid. I saw this Keg inside me and i needed to tap into it because it is filled with God's love and it was up to me to tap and drink. I felt humbled, I was asking for God's love and it was already in me and i was the one who wasn't  doing his part. 

I t so bad how we assume that God is not doing His part or that He is holding back from us but it us who is not accepting Him. 

this reminds me of intercession, its all about waiting and hearing God's voice. People have written ten steps to intercessory prayer but its all about the individual.We need to come before God with a Clean and Humble spirit so it begins with a request. prayer means talking with God, but intercession  is about hearing God. So we need to just stop talking and let God add to our conversation, just as you would let anyone else add to the conversation. Were always telling God this and that we never give Him a chance to reply.

Just ShutUP for two seconds, hahaha.

man these past days have been getting me so stressed, I really didn't want to be talking but i was put in situations where i was almost forced to socialize. ugh man. i am really sick right now but i hade been forced to push passed that too. like if i was to mention that i wouldn't doubt that people would like 'what  really you don't seem sick'. i mean i don't want pity for being sick but holy cow man, trying to keep up has takin' a toll out on me. Each day gets harder to wake up and get motivated but look at me. God has helped me throughout yet another day. JESUS!

Mini Outreach (MO) will be announced tomorrow and man i am looking forward to going. We were given three choices: Ukraine, Germany, and Czech Republic. In Ukraine the team will be helpingg two weeks at an orphanage. The Germany team will be going ahead of the Sept. MOTA and pray of the city they are having there finishing tour. And the second week they will be helping with the behind the scenes of the tour, like set up and tear down. The Czech team will be all over the place, first week they will be helping a english camp for Czech youth, then they will be in Prague cooking for a conference and then they will follow the conference to a city on the eastern boarder of Czech. there they will be doing more cooking and be presenting YWAM and pioneering YWAM Czech Republic.

When the tree options were presented, we were given thirty minutes to choose our top two. It took me all of five minutes to write my two. 1. Ukraine 2. Germany. BUt as i was sitting there looking at the notes i wrote on all three, i began to challenge my motives to go. Wow this is were i need God to take over. I had so many pros and cons on all three (which btw i wrote on my choice card). after they were presented we began our scheduled intercessory prayer, the topic, of course, was our MO locations. i was kinda hoping God would lead  me to one or the other by the end of the prayer time but He instead gave me strong impressions on all three. GRRR. i went and discussed this with my one-on-one, and he said sometimes God puts the choice in our hands. I had a feeling God wanted me to stand up and make a choice (be assertive). Since God had given me such strong impressions on all three places, I can say with peace, that where ever i go, God will use me and i will be affective.

There is some people I would like to go on MO with and some I would not, and some, who coming with or not, will make the MO quite interesting. I am trying to turn my full focus to God in this situation, I know He will have my best. JESUS! ha

Before i call it a night, I want to through out a shout-out to my Madra, and Pops. Lov Ya both. My dog, Bella. rrROOF. And my crazy awesome Fam. I love you and the prayers you are praying! 

DunDuunDuuuuunnnn!

As you know I put God to the test. I challenged Him, I cursed Him, I threatened Him, I denied Him. And I was at peace with that. I felt better about believing Christianity was fake and everyone who followed it was just eating a lie. If you asked me two days ago, if I believed, I would have told you

Ha, no!

And during lecture the yesterday, the speaker Fiona, asks all of us to find reasons that proved our personal faith and share with our neighbor. I stayed honest, I told my neighbor that I didn't believe one word of the Bible and the God of the Christians was not real.

I think it was last week I started challenging God. And yesterday, God replied.
First with Ryan; Ryan said I was being driven in my anger and frustration and was not actually being open to answers. He was saying I was already hoping Christianity would fail and God to be fake.
He was right I didn't want Christianity to be real. I wanted to point fingers at God and blame Him for my anger. I just wanted to be anger at something. I wanted to be radical. I wanted to prove to everyone that they are living a lie and be the one to expose one of the largest movements of religion to be fake.
Then with Raquel.
We have not really had any deep conversations before just hi, how are you type stuff. So at lunch yesterday, I found a table that was completely empty and sat down. It usually works that other students will come sit down if one students is already there. But not this day, I sat there for nearly the entire time by my self as if I was invisible. I get this feeling a lot so it wasn't a big deal. Then Raquel shows up and even though she has a terrible cough and doesn't feel to good, still has the energy to talk. Being me I asked very surface questions and kinda avoided being honest. And out of nowhere Raquel says

I read your blog. You sound frustrated.

Yeah I told her I was bored and didn't have anything to do. And I was yelling at god to give me a purpose. Raquel told me straight up, if your bored help those around you. Literally she was saying if your are so perfect, then help everyone else to be as perfect as you.
And she was right on. That was lunch and that day I had a talk with Fiona, our speaker, and I had a lot of questions for her.
When I got there she was waiting for me and we began talking. She just wanted to hear my story and how I got to Herrnhut. I gave a short summary of my life and faith and she sat there emotionless. Which she taught was the best way to listen so you aren't leaking emotion by face expressions. She was surprise by my views and thoughts on God but she didn't say I was wrong or right. She told me there was a wall in my heart and I was living my faith in my mind. She made sense and challenged me to think on what might be blocking my heart.
It was work duty after that so I had time to think as I washed the kitchen floors and I still didn't know what was blocking me from truly believing.
I usually finish my work duty quickly and head up into the art studio. It seems like if I had a spare minute I go up there. That day I was working on a self portrait. It was drawn in charcoal so it was a quick project and I was just touching up on highlights and shadows. No one was in the studio when I got there so I was happy. Then Stephen came in early to art track time. I was actually kind a glad cause I could ask him about my portrait. Then Stephen did something I've never seen him do. He asked me how I was doing. Not saying that that is something he wouldn't do, I just never thought he would.
It felt like I was talking with my sister when I was talking with Stephen. I couldn't be like 'somethingsomething, you know what I mean?'
I had to explain my entire thought. Ugh. We really only talked for like 30 minutes and only a few issues were discussed but with Stephan, a very straight forward person, that is normal. Man was I punched in the gut. He said I needed to take myself out of the situation. I thought I was being very objective and not putting and biased views in my argument. Nope. I was so angry and wanting Christianity to be fake I was obviously being biased.

Well yeah so my mind was spinning like a top. And the best part was we had small group that night. Meaning, I would be asked how I was doing and an honest answer would be expected. So I was kinda not looking forward to going but I did. We talked about normal stuff when we first got there and then it happened the inevitable was asked,
"How are you doing"
And man did I let it rip, if they want to know I'll tell them. I have been told it's better to be honest then to tell half a truth. I am trying to stick to being honest and real, so I began voicing my opinions about the Bible, God, Faith, Prayer, and the validity of the Christian faith. We ended up covering a lot of the topics but man did it get heated.

The walk home after small group I walked ahead and began running through all the things I was told and began to process. (This gets kinda tricky to follow but it the way I think)

I started with the only truth I knew.
I am Created.
My Creature created me to love me.
(God was bored so He made me so He had someone to love. I should love my creator because He created me. And the fact that He loves me, I should love Him for that too.)

Ok so all I need to do is love my Creator. Easy.

The second truth is I have sinned and my Creator hates sin.
(We were tight with our Creator till we sinned, then we messed it all up. (And the idea that I am cursed by Adam's sin is hard to believe.) We all sin, it's not inherited. Since I sinned, I am no longer in good terms with my Creator. So if our Creator really loves us and would do anything to be with us again then the only thing He could do would be to send a sacrifice. In the Bible, it says He sent His son Jesus. (But at the time I didn't believe the Bible was truth. I figured it to be a really good book with interesting and good moral value based stories.) So either way, our Creator sent a Sacrifice. And it's really kinda a no brainer to accept that there was a Sacrifice for the sins I have committed. It just proves the love of the Creator.

At this point, all of this was beginning to make rational sense. I was ok with that. So I went back to the beginning,

"Love Your Creator"

How do I love my Creator?

I think I asked myself that question a hundred times. Hmm, I had to resort back to the Bible. (the story book) In it said love your neighbor as you would love your self. And in this way you are loving the ones the Creator created. Pretty much loving Him through other people.
I couldn't think of any other way to love the Creator. So I continued with that point.

"How do I love my neighbor?"

Well it says 'love then as your self'. Now "How do I love myself?". Thinking about this, showed me how vain and proud I was. Thats besides the point, I figured I loved myself the most when I was just comfortable. And when I had enough to eat and some sweets every once in a while. I also enjoy it when I am being paid attention.
So if was to do these things is sound a lot like being a humble person. Being humble is always a good thing, it shows character. So this 'loving the Creator thing' kinda kills two birds with one stone.

Not bad huh? It's sounds so simple but our minds complicate the crap out of it and we lose the basics. I know God reveled this to me this way because I need basic rational answers and explanations. He knows me and speaks on my level!
But I must say loving other people is so hard, just the whole forgetting yourself and the thing you were on your way to do to help this person concept is so annoying sometimes. But I love my Creator!

Week 5

Trying to stay positive today. It's almost working yet I still am finding negatives to hold on to.

God's way of working is probably the most non efficient way ever. It just the stuff that He puts in our life and let's us deal with is so contradictory to what He promises in the Bible. The fact,His love covers all, is really hard to believe because I for one don't feel His love (well His joy and peace that come with it) and that makes me doubt Gods actually existence. Or if what we believe about God is even right. Like the Bible could just be a book with a lot of good morals not the holy word of God. Like if He Himself wrote it I might be a bit more reluctant to believe. The whole blind faith thing puts a huge check in my spirit and if something doesn't seem right then question. And the basis to Christianity is blind faith.

I was thinking why am I even a Christian in the first place? And after process of elimination I figured the only reason to keep being a Christian is to stay out of Hell. So each day I wake up my job is to not sin so I won't burn for eternity. And if God is Love then that my friends is a load of crap. Living that way is not of God, and if God hides our purpose from us till we need to know, what do we until that time? If you don't have a purpose then what's the point of living. Why do I need to be on this screwed up world if Heaven is where I really should be. Thats where the notion of taking my life becomes a bit more justifiable. I won't because of the effort my parents have put into me. Like if God loves me I can safely assume He wants the best for me. Being alive on the earth is NOT the best. just saying think about it.

I am put 'god' to a challenge. I am calling him out. If he is almighty then he will strike me down. If he is loving I will feel his love. If he is real he will make himself known. If he deserves my praise then show me why.


Bring it God!

(sigh)

What is the purpose of living today?
Anyone have some decent answers?

'Pick a Story' Week

To be honest I really am not enjoying this week. I was hoping for more teaching and more challenges. But now I am finding myself sitting around listening to stories of outreach that I don't really care about. It seems like this stories are a dime a dozen around here. I'm not saying it was a bad story I'm just being honest. I think why expose your self to something terrible if you don't have the opportunity do something to change that. Like we watch a video during 'prayer time' about kids in South Africa. What was I supposed to do? All I could do was sit there be depressed. I was not really inspired to pray either. But I felt the Holy Spirit put words and understanding in me while we prayed. But still words do not do anything!!!!!!!!!

Pete's Week

Well I must say I was not ready for pete's week but what was I going to do. At first I was bored of his stories and was really wondering if he would ever get on with his lecture. He asked so many questions and did not give us a chance to breath before the next one. I had a bunch of thoughts I later shared with him after the first lecture, which he thought were all good and gave some decent advice. I adjusted to his way of speaking during lectures and started being challenge in almost every way. Especially when he talked about God as the Father. I have some issues concerning my dad and Pete seemed to grab them and rip them slowly out of my side. But it was my job to pull them all the way out of my side. I think of a bullet being pulled out flesh and right now that bullet is still inside the open wound and it's shiny surface is visible but hard to grip. I am not really interested to pull it out either.

Day 20something

Well I have been busy with figuring out who i really am. My personality has changed so much from what it was when I was back home. I am really having a hard time trying to stay that way as well. I want to be honest in everything and sometimes that can be confusing what to say and what to keep to myself.

I am really frustrated being here. I am bored out of my mind and just drained emotionally. My motivation is also gone with the sun. I really would like something to occupy my time. My art project is eh I'd rather be drawing instead of building a installation. What ever. I really wish we would be taught the most effected way to evangelize so we are prepared for outreach then actually go on outreach. Seriously.

Day 16

If you have read this far you may have been quite shocked by what I have written. I am like a very deep like person when it comes to like writing and stuff. So the last entry was Friday and now it's Wednesday, since then I have broken free of a few major struggles, have answered a few questions and gained a bit more understanding of myself and who God is.

God has given me a word of conformation to be here by saying I don't need to look for conformation and just to be free while I am here. Kinda backwards huh. But it has really let me relax and be free. I have really thrown myself into my art and searching for answers to my questions.

On Friday, we wrote a list of things that were holding us back in our relationship with God. I must say I filled the page with a buch of scribbles. I was quite ashamed too. Then we were to go outside and burn the list. I have done this before and have gotten frustrated because after throwing the stuff into fire nothing happens. I didn't really want to do this at all. But I came to realize that I never asked for help and accountability, so I stood at the fire and asked with much discomfort the entire school and staff to stand behind me in my effort to overcome these struggles. I am noticing how stubborn I can be. After we threw all our lists into the fire, we spilt into pairs and talked about what we threw away. That was not easy. I was with Josh and Octavio, and I do respect them because they are older and wiser then me, and I wanted to be, in their eyes, more then a 17 year old boy. And sharing this stuff from my list makes me look so bad. Yet I still shared and found out that they struggle with huge problems as well. And we all had a hard time sharing so it was a bit easier to share. This was good for me because I can release these problems now. Noe that they are out in the open, it is easier to ask for more specific help and prayer. Which is key to solving a problem. I've noticed that God likes specifics, He knows are hearts and it easier for us to open up and let God read our heart then to try and explain, but He also wants us to ask specifically so He can heal specifically.

My fine art project is finished and turned out alright. I spent till two am working on I on sunday and many other hours. But like before boring people never get noticed. The critique on Monday was brutal. Since I had spent so much time I was in my mind I was finished, so the first thing Stephan said was today in our track time we are going to continue our work and it will be due tomorrow. Grr. Stephan was talking to the Chloe and Fina then came over to me and asked "so tell me your concept". I went explaining and good ol' Stephan said

"Interesting"

We are trying to band that word in the art studio.

Acts

How was the holy spirit working.

As I see it the holy spirit is the same as God and Jesus, so the holy spirit worked and moved the same as God and Jesus. The holy spirit is Gods gift to His followers until He returns. It the way we are connected to God. It's like our WI-FI signal. Being in the right place or close to router, Jesus, our signal is strengthened.

What were the result.

The results of the holy spirit movement was greater then Jesus' work when He was on Earth. I'm not saying it was doing this greater then the sacrifice Jesus made. The holy spirit was able to spread more of the good news and twice the amount of miracles. Also the areas that were reached by the holy
Spirit, Jesus would not have been able to go and preach. Now that Jesus' work was finished, it is the Holy Spirits time to work on earth.

What if the Holy Spirit didn't show up.

I would have to say the world world lost and Jesus would be almost impossible to believe in. If the Holy Spirit didn't come then all of what God had planned long term would have been gone down the drain. Most of all the hope Jesus left with the disciples would have had slowly begin to fade without the Holy spirit.

WinterMOTA

Begins tomorrow.
This moment has been anticipated for six months. Well God has been waiting my entire life to send me here. His path is slowly being reveled but still is quite hidden from my eyes.
I am totally nervous which is probably expected. Like my life is going to be wrecked and ruined for God, on the other hand I am stoked. I want to know God like never before. I want to hear from God I want to feel God like experience Him. I want to see His hand change those around me!
I have met my fine arts teacher/staff. He is Stephen Sou. He is a chill person. He is also straight forward, so in his teaching/critiquing, I guess he can be brutally honest. I appreciate criticism and stuff but sometimes I just want to be complimented. Who doesn't. The thing is though, Stephen is an amazing artist so to impress him will be difficult. As an art student, I want to always impress my teacher or professor because to me their opinion matters. I probably am over thinking this whole situation but I have been frantically drawing trying to warm up for when class starts. Like I don't think I've drawn this frequent, ever. I showed a few of the other students my past art and they were all stoked on it. I hope they were being honest ha. Cause I am proud of it all, just its not like amazing amazing. But I am here to impress GOD (must remember)
I believe I will stay in shape here. Between the stairs in the castle, slow death, and the fact that my wrist has finally healed (well 30pushups and it kinda hurt), I'll be golden. I did run to the next town today and uh! killer man, it took me an hour to get there and like forty minuets to get back (frigid wind definitely puts a pep in your step). I can't wait to go back out to that town. It's got the coolest church/graveyard and across the road there is a super old hay trailer in a field. Perfect spot for a photo op.
I think I may wear my vest on the morrow. Kick it MT style. Ha Stoked!
Yet not stoked on the 0630 wake up. Eh it like challenge but not. (0545 was our first stand to).
I geek there needs to be a rando sketch drawn around this entry. Maybe a confused cartoon dragon and a sleepy billy-goat. Yaa fr sure.
Aight
I'm
Outties
!!!

Day 1.5


Its the end of the world and we kno...
I mean its the end of day one. Wow pretty fast but chill. Started with worship and a quick prayer for those around you and in Eastern Europe.
-To make a note on our worship time I felt God. I could almost say I say Him. He wasn't standing on the ground but above all of us. I couldn't see His face or hands just His feet and lower figure. When I looked around the room everyone was gone. Lots of white. The music was gone, which was quite loud, and He was on the other side of room. He was waiting for me, I knew instantly it was Him. My soul ached. Next I saw myself run forward but the moment I moved not a second before. The figure, Jesus, struck across the room and as He reached me, He passed through me with this brilliant light filling my soul. It was what i I saw almost as if this is what happens when we make our move towards God. He fills us with this flame, this light.
All I can say is that I knew God was there but it sadden me that He was so far away (across the room) I was jealous, I wanted Him right next to me!

Well we have a new member to our group, Octavio! He was unsure if he should stay but he is. He was quite quiet this morning but warmed up to all of us. I'm glad, the more guys the better!

So Stephen gave us a project to depict our relationship with God by using just nature. This us a curve ball for me fr sure. One I'm slow to create models and sculptures, but I'm hear to push myself. It will be interesting to see what comes in the end (Thursday). I'd totally rather draw and doodle but nope he wants it this way and this is how it is.

Ugh kinda on the tired side of life now (22:48). Just got back from an interesting talk about guys and girls and the 'gray zone'. Haha. Spent like an hour out side by the pond talking about dating and relationships. It was 70% jokes than any serious topic discussion. The girls tried to explain a few points on how they act and how guys should. But I think I'm more confused than I was before. Ha. Good time tho, chillin by the lamppost with the snow dumping, classic German winter style. Lovin it!

Tomorrow we're reading a book of the Bible out loud in small groups. Uhh not so keen on that. When it comes to reading aloud, I become majorly dyslectic. So God help me!

I'll end on that :) dobro!


Day 3

Today was not as exciting as the past few but we learned bout bible reading and intercessory prayer. We have started Matthew and made it through to chapter 9 so we are going to continue tomorrow. Its actually kinda easy to read aloud. I do fumble a bit but with practice I'll be good!

Talked to my madre tonight! It was good to connect. The skype connection was eiffy but I got to share about what was is going on here. And they said their going to Florida, Like cross country road trip. But without the bus. It a bummer its that way cause dad wanted to take his bus for a spin.


Day 4

Slept pretty alright today but I still could use another six hours. Ha holiday is over!

We went into Herrnhut today for a tour of the town and learn about the history. This area has had God's blessing hand in it ever since the beginning. The tour guide even said there was a saying that if the town of Herrnhut ever turned away Gods work it should be burned to the ground. (a bit extreme but it's like that verse " if my hand makes me sin, cut it off") the purpose of Herrnhut is to be a city of prayer and ministry. And when is purpose is forgotten it shouldn't be a city anymore. The devotional like the daily prayer books/idea was started in Herrnhut. I was created because a townsperson would run from house to house in Herrnhut shouting the daily word/scripture. Pretty cool. I know!

Well my art project is coming along alright I actually should go work on it now cause I don't know if I'll have time later. . .

Day 5

Passion
My life is to be filled with passion! If it is not then it Will be boring. No one is noticed who doesn't have passion. God has placed in me a goal to be passionate in everything, my art especially. I need strength tho. I have tried to be as passionate as possible today and whew I am beat. Maybe I just need food! (I need food like every ten minuets). Today I finished my art project outside. I did the best I could. But there is room for improvement. I think I will continue building too. Now that this project is finished I must illustrate the meaning of my project (my relationship with God as I see it) in some piece of art. I am going to use pencil and pen. But I may have planed a bigger task than I can accomplish before Monday. (passion!) I want to draw a tree made out levels of twigs like my original and had it rise into the night sky. It works out that where the tree goes into the night sky is the underside of it's canopy. And there are branches drawn like a cone which keep going up. So we will see how it turns out.

God has moved in me. He gave me the desire to become one of his work tools. As I see it, I am a broken pencil unsharpened and dirty. I have been in the bottom of His pencil box this whole time. Now I've asked Him to wipe me off and use me. First sharpen me so I can be used. At this point, to be even sharpened and apart of God's assortment of drawing tools is enough for me. I cried out to Him today in prayer to be even the least used of His tools. I hope He gives me the honor.

Well now on a totally different note, I went out walking with a few students and one girl started asking me about what I was like back home and I began to explain. Yet as I was telling her I began to realize what I was saying. Not that I was talking nonsense but listening as a person who just met me a few days ago. And to my family they may not realize this but I have had some crazy twists and turns in the past year or so. like my relationship with God has been so effy and almost non existent. Like I was thinking and I totally prioritized my job and making money this summer over God and going to church. When I am not encouraged by other Christians I fall out faith fast. Like it got so bad that this past Christmas I had a huge argument with God, like challenging Him and questioning His existence. Like I gave up on everything, I lost hope in myself and my self worth was gone as well. So the fact that I am here is a miracle. God has pushed me along but I haven't made it easy. I've questioned it every step. Even today I was thinking, is this where I'm supposed to be? Crazy thought huh. But honestly I am still unsure if I ever felt God call me here...

Day 5.5

Last night was quite violent. I went out again after the first walk and I was seriously questioning if I should be here. Like I said before I never really heard from God (confirmation) so I was thinking "'what if" I leave and who things would turn out. At this point, I could leave this group of people and not care because I barely know these people. And if I have talked with some it's been mostly surface connection, so nothing deep or serious. And if I was to leave, by the end of the entire DTS the students would have only remembered me as someone passing through (it doesnt really matter what they think of me) but i was just going down the list of reasons to stay. I was thinking what do I do if I return home? No will be at the house and everyone is out of town for the month. So that is not really an option. So then I cried out to the night sky
"WHERE DO WANT ME GOD!"
And at that moment a mad and wild gush of wind tore throw the trees around me. At this point of my walk I was with my back to the castle going to the forest. The noise the wind made scared me like nothing before. I felt like a giant lion's head was going to bound from the forest and tear me to shreds. I knew if I stayed and continued towards the forest, the lion would catch me but would not stop attacking me till I turned back. I did not want to find out if that was really a lion so I booked it back down the road. It took al of my strength to return to bed with out any confirmation or any word from God.

This morning we had a several hours of worship and that was one of the last things I wanted to do. It felt so awkward. But during that time God was telling me I needed to humble myself before He and I could go any further. I was fighting though. Yet during one of the songs, I felt my knees give and I fell to my face. I was waiting for God to come down from His High Throne but was not impressed with my act. I felt Him telling me to be like the beggars in Prague (these people are pitiful) and to be like them, sickens me. But God needed me to be completely humbled. So as I lay there I got so disgusted with myself.
Now that the day is finished, I can say I have noticed how proud I am and how much I boast. It has been brought to my attention and I am really trying to deal with it. (Hard truth)

I think to answer the questions from my walk last night. God is telling me to be patient for once in my life. I need to actually trust Him.
In the past I have always planned everything and made sure that I had what it would take and I knew the outcome and I had a plan if I needed to bail on the first. But now God is taking away my secondary plan and shielding my sight from what is to come. Talk About Scared!

Passion, man, passion!
I hope when you hear me say this you will know I am either talking about God or Art. This time it is art.
I have worked out how I will finish my drawing. It is not the best but with this short time I think it is all I can do. It will be done with pen and ink (maybe some color). I want to have the trees' roots be in cross contour lines. I sketched out a small part of the roots in my notebook and I believe it will work. I Believe! I think I spent about six hours in the studio today so I hope my piece will be approved by the "mysterious Stephen". I want to know he think actually. Like not technical critiques but like you could add this or change this or fill this.
(quick thought: I may add a ladder system to my platforms like my original)


I was talking with some of the others about ours blogs and we were asking what should we write and how. Like should I be directed towards a group like family or should it be general or really personal. If you have made it this far you already know I have chosen to write from my heart and mind.

I heard and seen people around here really say what they are thinking and be quite straight forward. And today, during lecture, Jan was challenging us to tear down our walls and expose ourself to those around us. (I would just say "Be Real, man") so I got an image in my mind about the castle and how it has walls surrounding the property and the garden; I thought, I am in a place that already has walls. This is a safe haven and any walls, I have are pointless.

So I hope I move people by want I say in this blog. I want to expose myself and show my raw self. Unmasked, unprotected and begin to become truly humble.

Killer find in the boutique! A cartoon T-shirt of the "A Team" and their van.

Pity the Foo!


Day 6&7

Second weekend in the 'Hut'. And a tasty one at that.(err auto-correct >(. I mean a fast weekend. I spent most of my hours in the studio working at my project. Which is finally done now. Talk about a frustrating time, I really pushed myself with this project. I kept thinking about what Jan was saying

"Boring people are never noticed"

So I put my passion into this piece. I hope Stephen limits his weekend projects. Cause there is alot of things to be done on the weekends. I heard from Josh that he, Stephen, asked if he could assign a lot of projects and Josh replied "Go ahead!". Josh chuckled as told me this today. But that is the fun of being in charge, you make the rules. Haha.

So saturday, day 6, started well. Good sleep, thanks to the recommendation of vitamins before sleeping by Glen. And breakfast was quite satisfying, due to the sweet breads from the 'shabott' the night before. -

(the shabott is a Jewish celebration of the Sabbath. So Friday night a group of us went to the Jesus-haus and took part with the locals. And I noticed all the leftover sweet bread, so I jokingly was like "who's in charge of the food? I would like some bread". And as we were leaving a lady cleaning up was like take take, pointing to the bread. So Bam. We all got sweet bread for breakfast the next day.)

Till about 1130, I was in the studio. Then a group of us went to a abandon warehouse to take photos. Talk a chill and sketchy place. It could all fall at any moment (except for the concrete floors and supports). But you would want to trip in there; it seemed like there was a thin layer of broken glass that covered the every floor there. Chris was setting up a sick shot. He had painted a set of wings of one of the walls inside of the warehouse and had people knell down infront. I think it was epic. Its my FB profile pic (if anyone cares).

I retuned back to the studio till that evening when all of us walked into town to Toni's. Where pretty much all of the staff, base and MOTA, were. Thats like thirty or forty people in a tiny flat. Toni had us put our shoes inside so we would freak out the neighbors by fill the stairwell with so many pairs of shoes. It was a really fun get together. At one point all the students were in the kitchen and the staff in the living room. Funny how we flock? But we were all introduced to a game called Signs. It where every one has a motion they do (i.e. Peace sign, shrug, touch their ear) and the point if they game is to pass their sign around the circle without be caught by the person in the middle. Lots of laughs in that one.

Sunday was more of the same. No late night parties though. Just more studio time and dinner. Really after breakfast, I went upstairs and came down for church and dinner (so an hour total). About eight o'clock, I sat in the community room and played a meaningless round of AngryBirds.

So ends the first week of DTS. And begins the next...(cue Hans Zimmer soundtrack)

A bit of art for my viewers.


Day 8

I was in our morning teaching today kinda waiting for it to end. I didn't really care whAt was going on too much. I was looking forward to my art track time. So I was just sketching words from the teaching in my journal that caught my attention. As I was drawing boxes and shading around letters, I began to see connections between the words I was scribbling. It was like a treasure map, with hints and keywords. I had to unlock the code to find the pot a' gold.
Like I have been saying before God has put on my heart the issue of humbleness. Eversince Friday, I have been confused on how to start being humble. I tried with silence, stepping away from the group or holding back from sharing what I thought to be a funny story that happened to me. I even closed my self in the attic away from people but my thoughts were still as proud as ever. They boasted on how well of an artist I was or how good I looked. And thoughts of when everyone laughed at my joke and how cool I felt. I couldn't escape the pride! I knew I had to do something with this pride before I could fully envelope God and His love. So I was tearing skin from my flesh, I was so frustrated.

"WHAT DO I DO!"

I had to go to someone and ask for help or even prayer but I didn't want to. I was too proud to admit I was proud. Haha funny right. So at this lecture this morning, the speaker turned on some worship music and said,
"Go before God if you have and difficulties you need have dealt with. Be still and pray."
I was sitting there and felt that this was the time to deal with this pride problem. Or at least start making the first steps. So I look around and see one of the staff near and was trying to build up courage to ask then for prayer, when then they pull out their kindle and begin to read. Being already shy, I surely didn't want to interrupt then now that they were reading, but I asked any way. I couldn't repeat what he prayed for me, because I was waiting to see if God would actually move me and affect me or if this would be one of those awkward prayers where nothing is accomplished. And when I finish thinking " nah God won't do anything is when He does. It was like something touched back and I felt a fire up my spin. I was given the words to pray to ask for help. I never knew what to really ask for when I was praying for humbleness but the Holy Spirit gave me those words/ questions.
After he had finished his prayer for me, I went back to my seat and began to pray on my own. I ask for the desire for more of God and to be worthy to be His example to others. But when I asked God make me worthy to be His example to others, I thought what does that mean? Was I asking to be better and above those around me. To be the better Christian? I then realized there is no better Christian, some may be wiser and some may have more elegant prayers but when it comes down to it all we are all just sinners who are saved by the grace of God. We are all on the same level. As I realized this I felt the urge to pray for my 'brother' who was sitting next to me. I didn't know what he was praying but I felt lead to intercede for him to God. To pray on his behalf. It was incredible the words came from the Holy Spirit, I didn't know what I was going to say next, I just had to open my mouth. It was a powerful morning.

God Moved. . .

Day 9

So I just wrote a huge entry about how today was and I made a few pretty good points. As I was trying to put punctuation in a sentence, I double tapped which brought up 'select,select all,paste' and as I touched I bumped select all then I hit another key which deleted everything I wrote!
That has got to be one of the biggest fails this week. Which does say something about how today was.

I must say I was completely drained emotionally. And I have been having my dreams haunted, so all around I am quite tired. It seems like today is a blurred memory. I definitely have brought aware to the spiritually war over my soul. It scares me but I know that Jesus has already won! And Satan is powerless, just clever and tricky.

Before we went to bed, Josh started us guys in a prayer over our house (the side-building). We prayed for an hour, rebuking the darkness and calling on the Armies of Heaven to come and fill the rooms. It was something that needed to be done.


Day 10

It's another day. To say least. Started slow. Ended quietly. Laughed a few times. Felt peace once. Worked out for thirty minutes. Enjoyed three meals.

Sounds like a positive day but besides the positives, it was kinda lonely. I don't know if it's me looking for a certain kind of attention or if I just don't fit in? I am trying to be humble,so I separated my self from the group to not be tempted to brag about myself. Yet now that I kind of have a hold on that, I try to come into conversations and its always awkward or weird. I really don't know what it is. I guess I was expecting a lot more 'fine artists'. Some one with the same passion and desire to excel in the arts. But it's all photo students and music track people. I mean I an stoked on Chloe and Fina being in the track. It's just their is no male student and Stephan is not able to put 100% into the art track, so it a room full of girls. Not saying anything bad just I'd like a bro to kick it with.
I must just expect too much. I just expect perfect and have a hard time dealing with what I have.
We are all so different. I am different from everyone in what I do, say, like, feel, joke, and think. I don't want to say I'm in a league of my own , it's more like I'm in my own stereotype. It seems everyone else is getting along jolly. They joke the same, they like the same, most are into photography the same. Please tell me to shut up if I am having a pity party but it is how I feel. I don't want to be the center of attention or have people be my friend cause they feel bad for me, I just feel this way and maybe this will be the way the next two an a half or five an a half months go. There is not much that can change, unless we get a new student or I find out someone is more than I think.

So God confirmed my time to be here. He said I have a purpose to fulfill here and until then I do not belong anywhere else. I wonder does that mean I am to stay here for two more weeks and leave. Does it mean I am to be an example to someone or this group for a period, good or bad. Does it mean I am not supposed to leave on outreach. Does it mean I stay after outreach. Does it mean tomorrow I voice Gods heart to a person and I fly home after.

I keep hearing the story about Samuel and how God called him from his sleep and from that moment God used such a young man to do His work. A work that radically changed people. I know I am young and that I can finished tasks that are meant for those older than me or reach goals that the world says should be reached later in life. I know I have what it takes, through God, but does that just combined with my age, automatically qualify me as a Samuel? There are many other young people who are even stronger than me, are they Samuels as well? It's like it's a stereotype. 1. Young 2. Ready to serve. Bam, you equal a Samuel.

I keep being told, you are going to change things, you are going to effect people, yada, yada. But if this part of dts is about changing me, why do I still get people telling me I am going to effect people. There are not that many people I can effect. Most people here won't turn to a student to ask for help or guidance. (Unless it's like can you help with these boxes) (It's a joke). And me of all people, a weird hippy Montana kid who is kind of a loner and fumbles his words when he talks. I am short and don't look like I'm important or smart. I don't look like a leader, so why would I be the one to effect people. And look where I am, seriously, I am in a YWAM base with fifty devout Christians, a whole army of qualified staff members and leaders. If you could even find me, I would still be the last person to talk to.

I see it as, when you are an artist no one cares who are, they want to see your art first, your work. Then they judge to see if you are any good. Same with life, no one cares who you are, they want to see your work before they will care. (I challenge you to oppose that idea). I see life as, it is lived 89% behind the scenes and 11% is lived in the lime light. Some people get it just right and they arrive at the right moment and bam,they take center stage. Some times people, like me, always mis-judge and arrive at intermission and return as the show ends. I'll prepare something but when I show it everyone's head is turned away. I'm trying to find that groove to slide into but I always slip out and fall.

Some people will say," that's life, tough" but i call bs on that. Or "life's not fair". If you give me that answer I will lose all respect for your opinion. There is a better answer!

"WHERE IS IT!"

I swear I will find it, yet I wonder if I do understand the reasoning behind the way life works, I will be like the same process of revenge. You want to avenge some past deed and you know once you do you will receive some kind of peace but as portrayed in most every book and movie, it never satisfies.

So then what is the purpose of doing anything, outside of your relationship with Jesus. I can see myself in a cabin in the back woods with a bible and all the art supplies I need, and never want anything more. Or need anything more. Because it doesn't take anyone else to be with God, to hear His voice or sit and breath through Him. Its just you and God. Just like that imaginary friend you always had when you grew up, you don't need anyone. You can make it alone.

In saying that, does it give me justification to not make any bounds here or friends. Does it justify me to hide away and seclude myself from the group. Does it free me from the pressure to add to a conversation or contribute to anything outside spiritual context. Does it justify me to not contribute any more than what is asked. Does it allow me to deal with things in my own way and in my own time.

So I want to finish this entry, but yet again I end another day with serious questions unanswered. So who do I go to? I don't expect any of these people to make time for my problems, when they have many of their own. If I only need Jesus, again does it justify me to not ask these people here for advice and help.

(ok, say I ask for prayer. They are going to ask what do you want me to pray for you? I answer hold on I have my problems outlined and categorized for you. Thanks and good luck. Either I will get and very general prayer, very impersonal and generic or I wont get any at all. I will just become part of their pity list and will have exposed myself.

I will end this unimportant rant for the reader with the last thought of how fake I will feel when I enter prayer and lecture tomorrow. Unanswered questions make me want to return into my 'I don't care' cycle which is where the devil wants me. But again I repeat how do I gain knowledge on these topics. I long for the day when I can sit with God and understand what His plan was. I mean I could take my life and I would enter into heaven. But it is not mine to take or I would just to out an end to this confusion. I do have an image in my mind on how I think it will look when I ask God question only He knows the answers to, but I do not dwell on the idea of suicide. It would be the most selfish thing I could do. And if I did it only to get to heaven faster, I shouldn't deserve to enter because of the waste of Gods work and life.


Day 11

It's the morning and I feel awake but I was screaming in my sleep. I love to dream but the terrors keep invading my sleep. I didn't really notice it until some of the guys said that they were having irregular sleep as well. I've alway had confusing dreams. I usually blow them off because I never understand what they mean. Yeah I guess last night I was talking quite loud during my sleep, I think it was because no one was waking up and everyones alarm was off. But I remember being more disturbed than that, I can handle being late in my sleep but it was what was before that, in my dreams, that really bothered me.

Actually because of our late wake this morning, it reminded me of Challenge (which is my definition of h*ll on earth). We had to be awake in least then thirty seconds and outside in the hall standing at perfect position of attention before we could utilize the latrine or even rub our eyes. I have been ruined by that place. I have had night mares about having to return there, like I'll get in a fight in my dream and then get arrested and put back through Challenge. A lot of things remind me of Challenge, and a lot of anger is connected to that place. I would never have thought to punch walls till my knocks bled to release anger before I went to Challenge. I would never had realized there are really people who cut themselves. It all was exposed to me. And now living in the side building, I am reminded daily of those horrid six months. The fact that we have room inspections and similar style bunk beds. I hate it all. There are no fights or yelling but some times I wouldn't mind seeing people release that kind of emotion that is only expressed in a fight. It must be the deep smack when skin meets skin. Or when bodies hit the ground hard. I've never really been in a fight but I know that anger and emotion.
I wish I knew a way to release this angry! Talking about it or sharing it is not the way. Or writing it here in this journal/blog/thing; none of it is the way.

Maybe I am supposed to be alone in my life. Maybe I am never to be married or have a family. I don't think I could even find the right person and maintain the right mindset or attitude or example to lead.
Like I said before I am not a leader.

All this feels like a dream, I don't know if it is a bad dream. All I know that it will end some time and all I need to do is wait it out. I'll just roll over and try to find the warm spot on my pillow so I can stay comfortable for just a bit longer. I hope those in the real world outside my dream, hears my screams. I need to awake, it has been too long.

(Comment if you care.)