Acts

How was the holy spirit working.

As I see it the holy spirit is the same as God and Jesus, so the holy spirit worked and moved the same as God and Jesus. The holy spirit is Gods gift to His followers until He returns. It the way we are connected to God. It's like our WI-FI signal. Being in the right place or close to router, Jesus, our signal is strengthened.

What were the result.

The results of the holy spirit movement was greater then Jesus' work when He was on Earth. I'm not saying it was doing this greater then the sacrifice Jesus made. The holy spirit was able to spread more of the good news and twice the amount of miracles. Also the areas that were reached by the holy
Spirit, Jesus would not have been able to go and preach. Now that Jesus' work was finished, it is the Holy Spirits time to work on earth.

What if the Holy Spirit didn't show up.

I would have to say the world world lost and Jesus would be almost impossible to believe in. If the Holy Spirit didn't come then all of what God had planned long term would have been gone down the drain. Most of all the hope Jesus left with the disciples would have had slowly begin to fade without the Holy spirit.

WinterMOTA

Begins tomorrow.
This moment has been anticipated for six months. Well God has been waiting my entire life to send me here. His path is slowly being reveled but still is quite hidden from my eyes.
I am totally nervous which is probably expected. Like my life is going to be wrecked and ruined for God, on the other hand I am stoked. I want to know God like never before. I want to hear from God I want to feel God like experience Him. I want to see His hand change those around me!
I have met my fine arts teacher/staff. He is Stephen Sou. He is a chill person. He is also straight forward, so in his teaching/critiquing, I guess he can be brutally honest. I appreciate criticism and stuff but sometimes I just want to be complimented. Who doesn't. The thing is though, Stephen is an amazing artist so to impress him will be difficult. As an art student, I want to always impress my teacher or professor because to me their opinion matters. I probably am over thinking this whole situation but I have been frantically drawing trying to warm up for when class starts. Like I don't think I've drawn this frequent, ever. I showed a few of the other students my past art and they were all stoked on it. I hope they were being honest ha. Cause I am proud of it all, just its not like amazing amazing. But I am here to impress GOD (must remember)
I believe I will stay in shape here. Between the stairs in the castle, slow death, and the fact that my wrist has finally healed (well 30pushups and it kinda hurt), I'll be golden. I did run to the next town today and uh! killer man, it took me an hour to get there and like forty minuets to get back (frigid wind definitely puts a pep in your step). I can't wait to go back out to that town. It's got the coolest church/graveyard and across the road there is a super old hay trailer in a field. Perfect spot for a photo op.
I think I may wear my vest on the morrow. Kick it MT style. Ha Stoked!
Yet not stoked on the 0630 wake up. Eh it like challenge but not. (0545 was our first stand to).
I geek there needs to be a rando sketch drawn around this entry. Maybe a confused cartoon dragon and a sleepy billy-goat. Yaa fr sure.
Aight
I'm
Outties
!!!

Day 1.5


Its the end of the world and we kno...
I mean its the end of day one. Wow pretty fast but chill. Started with worship and a quick prayer for those around you and in Eastern Europe.
-To make a note on our worship time I felt God. I could almost say I say Him. He wasn't standing on the ground but above all of us. I couldn't see His face or hands just His feet and lower figure. When I looked around the room everyone was gone. Lots of white. The music was gone, which was quite loud, and He was on the other side of room. He was waiting for me, I knew instantly it was Him. My soul ached. Next I saw myself run forward but the moment I moved not a second before. The figure, Jesus, struck across the room and as He reached me, He passed through me with this brilliant light filling my soul. It was what i I saw almost as if this is what happens when we make our move towards God. He fills us with this flame, this light.
All I can say is that I knew God was there but it sadden me that He was so far away (across the room) I was jealous, I wanted Him right next to me!

Well we have a new member to our group, Octavio! He was unsure if he should stay but he is. He was quite quiet this morning but warmed up to all of us. I'm glad, the more guys the better!

So Stephen gave us a project to depict our relationship with God by using just nature. This us a curve ball for me fr sure. One I'm slow to create models and sculptures, but I'm hear to push myself. It will be interesting to see what comes in the end (Thursday). I'd totally rather draw and doodle but nope he wants it this way and this is how it is.

Ugh kinda on the tired side of life now (22:48). Just got back from an interesting talk about guys and girls and the 'gray zone'. Haha. Spent like an hour out side by the pond talking about dating and relationships. It was 70% jokes than any serious topic discussion. The girls tried to explain a few points on how they act and how guys should. But I think I'm more confused than I was before. Ha. Good time tho, chillin by the lamppost with the snow dumping, classic German winter style. Lovin it!

Tomorrow we're reading a book of the Bible out loud in small groups. Uhh not so keen on that. When it comes to reading aloud, I become majorly dyslectic. So God help me!

I'll end on that :) dobro!


Day 3

Today was not as exciting as the past few but we learned bout bible reading and intercessory prayer. We have started Matthew and made it through to chapter 9 so we are going to continue tomorrow. Its actually kinda easy to read aloud. I do fumble a bit but with practice I'll be good!

Talked to my madre tonight! It was good to connect. The skype connection was eiffy but I got to share about what was is going on here. And they said their going to Florida, Like cross country road trip. But without the bus. It a bummer its that way cause dad wanted to take his bus for a spin.


Day 4

Slept pretty alright today but I still could use another six hours. Ha holiday is over!

We went into Herrnhut today for a tour of the town and learn about the history. This area has had God's blessing hand in it ever since the beginning. The tour guide even said there was a saying that if the town of Herrnhut ever turned away Gods work it should be burned to the ground. (a bit extreme but it's like that verse " if my hand makes me sin, cut it off") the purpose of Herrnhut is to be a city of prayer and ministry. And when is purpose is forgotten it shouldn't be a city anymore. The devotional like the daily prayer books/idea was started in Herrnhut. I was created because a townsperson would run from house to house in Herrnhut shouting the daily word/scripture. Pretty cool. I know!

Well my art project is coming along alright I actually should go work on it now cause I don't know if I'll have time later. . .

Day 5

Passion
My life is to be filled with passion! If it is not then it Will be boring. No one is noticed who doesn't have passion. God has placed in me a goal to be passionate in everything, my art especially. I need strength tho. I have tried to be as passionate as possible today and whew I am beat. Maybe I just need food! (I need food like every ten minuets). Today I finished my art project outside. I did the best I could. But there is room for improvement. I think I will continue building too. Now that this project is finished I must illustrate the meaning of my project (my relationship with God as I see it) in some piece of art. I am going to use pencil and pen. But I may have planed a bigger task than I can accomplish before Monday. (passion!) I want to draw a tree made out levels of twigs like my original and had it rise into the night sky. It works out that where the tree goes into the night sky is the underside of it's canopy. And there are branches drawn like a cone which keep going up. So we will see how it turns out.

God has moved in me. He gave me the desire to become one of his work tools. As I see it, I am a broken pencil unsharpened and dirty. I have been in the bottom of His pencil box this whole time. Now I've asked Him to wipe me off and use me. First sharpen me so I can be used. At this point, to be even sharpened and apart of God's assortment of drawing tools is enough for me. I cried out to Him today in prayer to be even the least used of His tools. I hope He gives me the honor.

Well now on a totally different note, I went out walking with a few students and one girl started asking me about what I was like back home and I began to explain. Yet as I was telling her I began to realize what I was saying. Not that I was talking nonsense but listening as a person who just met me a few days ago. And to my family they may not realize this but I have had some crazy twists and turns in the past year or so. like my relationship with God has been so effy and almost non existent. Like I was thinking and I totally prioritized my job and making money this summer over God and going to church. When I am not encouraged by other Christians I fall out faith fast. Like it got so bad that this past Christmas I had a huge argument with God, like challenging Him and questioning His existence. Like I gave up on everything, I lost hope in myself and my self worth was gone as well. So the fact that I am here is a miracle. God has pushed me along but I haven't made it easy. I've questioned it every step. Even today I was thinking, is this where I'm supposed to be? Crazy thought huh. But honestly I am still unsure if I ever felt God call me here...

Day 5.5

Last night was quite violent. I went out again after the first walk and I was seriously questioning if I should be here. Like I said before I never really heard from God (confirmation) so I was thinking "'what if" I leave and who things would turn out. At this point, I could leave this group of people and not care because I barely know these people. And if I have talked with some it's been mostly surface connection, so nothing deep or serious. And if I was to leave, by the end of the entire DTS the students would have only remembered me as someone passing through (it doesnt really matter what they think of me) but i was just going down the list of reasons to stay. I was thinking what do I do if I return home? No will be at the house and everyone is out of town for the month. So that is not really an option. So then I cried out to the night sky
"WHERE DO WANT ME GOD!"
And at that moment a mad and wild gush of wind tore throw the trees around me. At this point of my walk I was with my back to the castle going to the forest. The noise the wind made scared me like nothing before. I felt like a giant lion's head was going to bound from the forest and tear me to shreds. I knew if I stayed and continued towards the forest, the lion would catch me but would not stop attacking me till I turned back. I did not want to find out if that was really a lion so I booked it back down the road. It took al of my strength to return to bed with out any confirmation or any word from God.

This morning we had a several hours of worship and that was one of the last things I wanted to do. It felt so awkward. But during that time God was telling me I needed to humble myself before He and I could go any further. I was fighting though. Yet during one of the songs, I felt my knees give and I fell to my face. I was waiting for God to come down from His High Throne but was not impressed with my act. I felt Him telling me to be like the beggars in Prague (these people are pitiful) and to be like them, sickens me. But God needed me to be completely humbled. So as I lay there I got so disgusted with myself.
Now that the day is finished, I can say I have noticed how proud I am and how much I boast. It has been brought to my attention and I am really trying to deal with it. (Hard truth)

I think to answer the questions from my walk last night. God is telling me to be patient for once in my life. I need to actually trust Him.
In the past I have always planned everything and made sure that I had what it would take and I knew the outcome and I had a plan if I needed to bail on the first. But now God is taking away my secondary plan and shielding my sight from what is to come. Talk About Scared!

Passion, man, passion!
I hope when you hear me say this you will know I am either talking about God or Art. This time it is art.
I have worked out how I will finish my drawing. It is not the best but with this short time I think it is all I can do. It will be done with pen and ink (maybe some color). I want to have the trees' roots be in cross contour lines. I sketched out a small part of the roots in my notebook and I believe it will work. I Believe! I think I spent about six hours in the studio today so I hope my piece will be approved by the "mysterious Stephen". I want to know he think actually. Like not technical critiques but like you could add this or change this or fill this.
(quick thought: I may add a ladder system to my platforms like my original)


I was talking with some of the others about ours blogs and we were asking what should we write and how. Like should I be directed towards a group like family or should it be general or really personal. If you have made it this far you already know I have chosen to write from my heart and mind.

I heard and seen people around here really say what they are thinking and be quite straight forward. And today, during lecture, Jan was challenging us to tear down our walls and expose ourself to those around us. (I would just say "Be Real, man") so I got an image in my mind about the castle and how it has walls surrounding the property and the garden; I thought, I am in a place that already has walls. This is a safe haven and any walls, I have are pointless.

So I hope I move people by want I say in this blog. I want to expose myself and show my raw self. Unmasked, unprotected and begin to become truly humble.

Killer find in the boutique! A cartoon T-shirt of the "A Team" and their van.

Pity the Foo!


Day 6&7

Second weekend in the 'Hut'. And a tasty one at that.(err auto-correct >(. I mean a fast weekend. I spent most of my hours in the studio working at my project. Which is finally done now. Talk about a frustrating time, I really pushed myself with this project. I kept thinking about what Jan was saying

"Boring people are never noticed"

So I put my passion into this piece. I hope Stephen limits his weekend projects. Cause there is alot of things to be done on the weekends. I heard from Josh that he, Stephen, asked if he could assign a lot of projects and Josh replied "Go ahead!". Josh chuckled as told me this today. But that is the fun of being in charge, you make the rules. Haha.

So saturday, day 6, started well. Good sleep, thanks to the recommendation of vitamins before sleeping by Glen. And breakfast was quite satisfying, due to the sweet breads from the 'shabott' the night before. -

(the shabott is a Jewish celebration of the Sabbath. So Friday night a group of us went to the Jesus-haus and took part with the locals. And I noticed all the leftover sweet bread, so I jokingly was like "who's in charge of the food? I would like some bread". And as we were leaving a lady cleaning up was like take take, pointing to the bread. So Bam. We all got sweet bread for breakfast the next day.)

Till about 1130, I was in the studio. Then a group of us went to a abandon warehouse to take photos. Talk a chill and sketchy place. It could all fall at any moment (except for the concrete floors and supports). But you would want to trip in there; it seemed like there was a thin layer of broken glass that covered the every floor there. Chris was setting up a sick shot. He had painted a set of wings of one of the walls inside of the warehouse and had people knell down infront. I think it was epic. Its my FB profile pic (if anyone cares).

I retuned back to the studio till that evening when all of us walked into town to Toni's. Where pretty much all of the staff, base and MOTA, were. Thats like thirty or forty people in a tiny flat. Toni had us put our shoes inside so we would freak out the neighbors by fill the stairwell with so many pairs of shoes. It was a really fun get together. At one point all the students were in the kitchen and the staff in the living room. Funny how we flock? But we were all introduced to a game called Signs. It where every one has a motion they do (i.e. Peace sign, shrug, touch their ear) and the point if they game is to pass their sign around the circle without be caught by the person in the middle. Lots of laughs in that one.

Sunday was more of the same. No late night parties though. Just more studio time and dinner. Really after breakfast, I went upstairs and came down for church and dinner (so an hour total). About eight o'clock, I sat in the community room and played a meaningless round of AngryBirds.

So ends the first week of DTS. And begins the next...(cue Hans Zimmer soundtrack)

A bit of art for my viewers.


Day 8

I was in our morning teaching today kinda waiting for it to end. I didn't really care whAt was going on too much. I was looking forward to my art track time. So I was just sketching words from the teaching in my journal that caught my attention. As I was drawing boxes and shading around letters, I began to see connections between the words I was scribbling. It was like a treasure map, with hints and keywords. I had to unlock the code to find the pot a' gold.
Like I have been saying before God has put on my heart the issue of humbleness. Eversince Friday, I have been confused on how to start being humble. I tried with silence, stepping away from the group or holding back from sharing what I thought to be a funny story that happened to me. I even closed my self in the attic away from people but my thoughts were still as proud as ever. They boasted on how well of an artist I was or how good I looked. And thoughts of when everyone laughed at my joke and how cool I felt. I couldn't escape the pride! I knew I had to do something with this pride before I could fully envelope God and His love. So I was tearing skin from my flesh, I was so frustrated.

"WHAT DO I DO!"

I had to go to someone and ask for help or even prayer but I didn't want to. I was too proud to admit I was proud. Haha funny right. So at this lecture this morning, the speaker turned on some worship music and said,
"Go before God if you have and difficulties you need have dealt with. Be still and pray."
I was sitting there and felt that this was the time to deal with this pride problem. Or at least start making the first steps. So I look around and see one of the staff near and was trying to build up courage to ask then for prayer, when then they pull out their kindle and begin to read. Being already shy, I surely didn't want to interrupt then now that they were reading, but I asked any way. I couldn't repeat what he prayed for me, because I was waiting to see if God would actually move me and affect me or if this would be one of those awkward prayers where nothing is accomplished. And when I finish thinking " nah God won't do anything is when He does. It was like something touched back and I felt a fire up my spin. I was given the words to pray to ask for help. I never knew what to really ask for when I was praying for humbleness but the Holy Spirit gave me those words/ questions.
After he had finished his prayer for me, I went back to my seat and began to pray on my own. I ask for the desire for more of God and to be worthy to be His example to others. But when I asked God make me worthy to be His example to others, I thought what does that mean? Was I asking to be better and above those around me. To be the better Christian? I then realized there is no better Christian, some may be wiser and some may have more elegant prayers but when it comes down to it all we are all just sinners who are saved by the grace of God. We are all on the same level. As I realized this I felt the urge to pray for my 'brother' who was sitting next to me. I didn't know what he was praying but I felt lead to intercede for him to God. To pray on his behalf. It was incredible the words came from the Holy Spirit, I didn't know what I was going to say next, I just had to open my mouth. It was a powerful morning.

God Moved. . .

Day 9

So I just wrote a huge entry about how today was and I made a few pretty good points. As I was trying to put punctuation in a sentence, I double tapped which brought up 'select,select all,paste' and as I touched I bumped select all then I hit another key which deleted everything I wrote!
That has got to be one of the biggest fails this week. Which does say something about how today was.

I must say I was completely drained emotionally. And I have been having my dreams haunted, so all around I am quite tired. It seems like today is a blurred memory. I definitely have brought aware to the spiritually war over my soul. It scares me but I know that Jesus has already won! And Satan is powerless, just clever and tricky.

Before we went to bed, Josh started us guys in a prayer over our house (the side-building). We prayed for an hour, rebuking the darkness and calling on the Armies of Heaven to come and fill the rooms. It was something that needed to be done.


Day 10

It's another day. To say least. Started slow. Ended quietly. Laughed a few times. Felt peace once. Worked out for thirty minutes. Enjoyed three meals.

Sounds like a positive day but besides the positives, it was kinda lonely. I don't know if it's me looking for a certain kind of attention or if I just don't fit in? I am trying to be humble,so I separated my self from the group to not be tempted to brag about myself. Yet now that I kind of have a hold on that, I try to come into conversations and its always awkward or weird. I really don't know what it is. I guess I was expecting a lot more 'fine artists'. Some one with the same passion and desire to excel in the arts. But it's all photo students and music track people. I mean I an stoked on Chloe and Fina being in the track. It's just their is no male student and Stephan is not able to put 100% into the art track, so it a room full of girls. Not saying anything bad just I'd like a bro to kick it with.
I must just expect too much. I just expect perfect and have a hard time dealing with what I have.
We are all so different. I am different from everyone in what I do, say, like, feel, joke, and think. I don't want to say I'm in a league of my own , it's more like I'm in my own stereotype. It seems everyone else is getting along jolly. They joke the same, they like the same, most are into photography the same. Please tell me to shut up if I am having a pity party but it is how I feel. I don't want to be the center of attention or have people be my friend cause they feel bad for me, I just feel this way and maybe this will be the way the next two an a half or five an a half months go. There is not much that can change, unless we get a new student or I find out someone is more than I think.

So God confirmed my time to be here. He said I have a purpose to fulfill here and until then I do not belong anywhere else. I wonder does that mean I am to stay here for two more weeks and leave. Does it mean I am to be an example to someone or this group for a period, good or bad. Does it mean I am not supposed to leave on outreach. Does it mean I stay after outreach. Does it mean tomorrow I voice Gods heart to a person and I fly home after.

I keep hearing the story about Samuel and how God called him from his sleep and from that moment God used such a young man to do His work. A work that radically changed people. I know I am young and that I can finished tasks that are meant for those older than me or reach goals that the world says should be reached later in life. I know I have what it takes, through God, but does that just combined with my age, automatically qualify me as a Samuel? There are many other young people who are even stronger than me, are they Samuels as well? It's like it's a stereotype. 1. Young 2. Ready to serve. Bam, you equal a Samuel.

I keep being told, you are going to change things, you are going to effect people, yada, yada. But if this part of dts is about changing me, why do I still get people telling me I am going to effect people. There are not that many people I can effect. Most people here won't turn to a student to ask for help or guidance. (Unless it's like can you help with these boxes) (It's a joke). And me of all people, a weird hippy Montana kid who is kind of a loner and fumbles his words when he talks. I am short and don't look like I'm important or smart. I don't look like a leader, so why would I be the one to effect people. And look where I am, seriously, I am in a YWAM base with fifty devout Christians, a whole army of qualified staff members and leaders. If you could even find me, I would still be the last person to talk to.

I see it as, when you are an artist no one cares who are, they want to see your art first, your work. Then they judge to see if you are any good. Same with life, no one cares who you are, they want to see your work before they will care. (I challenge you to oppose that idea). I see life as, it is lived 89% behind the scenes and 11% is lived in the lime light. Some people get it just right and they arrive at the right moment and bam,they take center stage. Some times people, like me, always mis-judge and arrive at intermission and return as the show ends. I'll prepare something but when I show it everyone's head is turned away. I'm trying to find that groove to slide into but I always slip out and fall.

Some people will say," that's life, tough" but i call bs on that. Or "life's not fair". If you give me that answer I will lose all respect for your opinion. There is a better answer!

"WHERE IS IT!"

I swear I will find it, yet I wonder if I do understand the reasoning behind the way life works, I will be like the same process of revenge. You want to avenge some past deed and you know once you do you will receive some kind of peace but as portrayed in most every book and movie, it never satisfies.

So then what is the purpose of doing anything, outside of your relationship with Jesus. I can see myself in a cabin in the back woods with a bible and all the art supplies I need, and never want anything more. Or need anything more. Because it doesn't take anyone else to be with God, to hear His voice or sit and breath through Him. Its just you and God. Just like that imaginary friend you always had when you grew up, you don't need anyone. You can make it alone.

In saying that, does it give me justification to not make any bounds here or friends. Does it justify me to hide away and seclude myself from the group. Does it free me from the pressure to add to a conversation or contribute to anything outside spiritual context. Does it justify me to not contribute any more than what is asked. Does it allow me to deal with things in my own way and in my own time.

So I want to finish this entry, but yet again I end another day with serious questions unanswered. So who do I go to? I don't expect any of these people to make time for my problems, when they have many of their own. If I only need Jesus, again does it justify me to not ask these people here for advice and help.

(ok, say I ask for prayer. They are going to ask what do you want me to pray for you? I answer hold on I have my problems outlined and categorized for you. Thanks and good luck. Either I will get and very general prayer, very impersonal and generic or I wont get any at all. I will just become part of their pity list and will have exposed myself.

I will end this unimportant rant for the reader with the last thought of how fake I will feel when I enter prayer and lecture tomorrow. Unanswered questions make me want to return into my 'I don't care' cycle which is where the devil wants me. But again I repeat how do I gain knowledge on these topics. I long for the day when I can sit with God and understand what His plan was. I mean I could take my life and I would enter into heaven. But it is not mine to take or I would just to out an end to this confusion. I do have an image in my mind on how I think it will look when I ask God question only He knows the answers to, but I do not dwell on the idea of suicide. It would be the most selfish thing I could do. And if I did it only to get to heaven faster, I shouldn't deserve to enter because of the waste of Gods work and life.


Day 11

It's the morning and I feel awake but I was screaming in my sleep. I love to dream but the terrors keep invading my sleep. I didn't really notice it until some of the guys said that they were having irregular sleep as well. I've alway had confusing dreams. I usually blow them off because I never understand what they mean. Yeah I guess last night I was talking quite loud during my sleep, I think it was because no one was waking up and everyones alarm was off. But I remember being more disturbed than that, I can handle being late in my sleep but it was what was before that, in my dreams, that really bothered me.

Actually because of our late wake this morning, it reminded me of Challenge (which is my definition of h*ll on earth). We had to be awake in least then thirty seconds and outside in the hall standing at perfect position of attention before we could utilize the latrine or even rub our eyes. I have been ruined by that place. I have had night mares about having to return there, like I'll get in a fight in my dream and then get arrested and put back through Challenge. A lot of things remind me of Challenge, and a lot of anger is connected to that place. I would never have thought to punch walls till my knocks bled to release anger before I went to Challenge. I would never had realized there are really people who cut themselves. It all was exposed to me. And now living in the side building, I am reminded daily of those horrid six months. The fact that we have room inspections and similar style bunk beds. I hate it all. There are no fights or yelling but some times I wouldn't mind seeing people release that kind of emotion that is only expressed in a fight. It must be the deep smack when skin meets skin. Or when bodies hit the ground hard. I've never really been in a fight but I know that anger and emotion.
I wish I knew a way to release this angry! Talking about it or sharing it is not the way. Or writing it here in this journal/blog/thing; none of it is the way.

Maybe I am supposed to be alone in my life. Maybe I am never to be married or have a family. I don't think I could even find the right person and maintain the right mindset or attitude or example to lead.
Like I said before I am not a leader.

All this feels like a dream, I don't know if it is a bad dream. All I know that it will end some time and all I need to do is wait it out. I'll just roll over and try to find the warm spot on my pillow so I can stay comfortable for just a bit longer. I hope those in the real world outside my dream, hears my screams. I need to awake, it has been too long.

(Comment if you care.)